


I Don't Do Masks

by B_Uthoughtwrong



Category: Deadpool (2016), Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Insert, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-01-10 14:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12301587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B_Uthoughtwrong/pseuds/B_Uthoughtwrong
Summary: "Take off your mask.""Hahaha, for a moment there-""Take it off or else.""Sweetheart, your gun won't kill me.""No but it'll hurt like a bitch."





	1. Mask On

**Author's Note:**

> Anshdhdhjssnnsejsjsksnnsjsmsmsksmdnjtitm typos.  
> Sorry  
> xxx  
> I did not fix anything

"Wow, **_love_** your work." I called out as I walked towards her in my suave walk.

She turned to me as she shot and ransacked her last victim. Lordie she was cute, all sweaty and covered in blood, wearing that positively _tight_ catsuit. _Shit,_ we were even twinsies, wearing red and all.

Wow, this was the first time I actually saw the angel up close. My jaw slackened. _Gosh, that was embarrassing_ , I mean, not that she would see it, _me_ wearing a _mask_ and all. But back to the babe of an assassin, her face was so smooth, gosh, it was probably because she bathed in the blood of the virgins she purged... _or_ she just moisturized. I admired her twice for being completely, in all aspects, bare faced, for the fact she had no makeup on so she didn't look like a clown, and the fact she had no mask on because of her courage. The adorable human knit her brows after a quick moment of silence. I gasped audibly, she actually knit her brows _AT ME!_ I chuckled, _"Cutie,"_ I twisted my shoulders from side to side. "so what are you up to?" She looked at me for a quick moment then like lightening she pulled out her gun and shot my brains out. _Ouch._ No seriously, _ouch_ as in _I'm-on-the-floor-bleeding-out,-chunks-of-Wade-splattered-against-the-wall_ ouch. Though she basically killed me, _but not really_ , I couldn't help but be proud of her skill and speed. _Shit,_ I was getting hard.

She even walked over me, giving me a peek of  _dat ass._   _Shit, shit, shit_ , I need to get myself calmed down... at least until later. _Shut up Wade, you don't think about a lady like that._ I groaned as my brain put itself back together. Gosh, are you that dumb, can't you do it any faster? And as if I were under water, I inhaled sharply and sat from my where I lay, cheering out and punching air as I shouted out, _"I'm in love!"_

 

Okay, so now that you know how I met my soulmate, you'd know how I probably started to win her heart. _Damn right_ , by leaving love notes.

For some reason though, leaving flowers and writing words on a wall using blood of those she recently decapitated didn't really gain her favor. But what the is hell is wrong with writing _'I think your smokin'_ and _'I think of you and your bomb bod at night'?_   She should've at least told me what she wanted to hear when she yet again shot me on the head ans he crashed my party with an Italian mafia. _Dammit,_ she even took my money.

And I also don't get why she seemed so surprised and _betrayed_ when I interrupted one of her meetings with a bunch of low life pedos. I guess she was just mad about receiving help and wanted to have all the fun for herself. _Aww, we we're so meant to be._

She cocked her gun and pointed it straight at me. I sighed and pursed my lips, you'd think she'd get it by now. _I CAN'T DIE YOU SLOW CUTIE!_ My hot bod will just put itself back together again. I huffed, "Gosh, women are so stubborn."

"Take off your mask." she commanded somewhat as a threat.

"Hahaha, for a moment there-" 

"Take it off or else."

I huffed on behalf of her pointless bad cop, intimidation show. She wasn't _scary_ but she was sure sexy when she's mad. "Sweetheart, your gun won't kill me."

"No but it'll hurt like a bitch." she smirked. Well _fuck,_ she's psycho. My breathing became jagged, "Do you wanna get hitched in Vegas?"

She clenched her jaw tightly and nodded her head in disapproval, "You're insane, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but so are you... which is why, darling, we should get _nasty."_ I spoke, wiggling my eyebrows behind my mask, taking a step forward. That seemed to be a wrong move because she suddenly then shot my shoulder. I shrieked at the betrayal, "AW COME ON, I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!" She huffed then advanced to remove my mask, but I jolted away quicker than she had. She, in turn, made contact with my blasted shoulder. I hissed in pain, "You should know it's rude for people to remove other people's masks without permission!"

She refused to halt her attempts but spoke out anyway, "Can I remove your mask then?!" she blurted out without waiting for my reply as we then got into a fist fight.

"NO!" I replied as I twisted her arm and had my available one snaked around her hips, tugging her up slightly due to the fact she was a _widdle_ tea cup. Her head, in turn, was threw back against my healed but bloody shoulder and I pressed my masked face on her exposed neck, practically screaming out to be hickey-ed by me. "I don't trust you enough yet." I whispered half joking, and serious.

She then did the unspeakable and kicked my crown jewels, causing me to groan and whine in pain. "Low blow-- _literally."_ I gasped and cupped myself. She got a good distance away from me and blew stray hair blocking her line of sight. "Just tell me this then, where you the pervert peeking from my roof top at 3 am?"

"Your insinuation I would be a peeking perv wounds me. I'll have you know I would've made my presence known the moment I found your roof top, so you'd invite me to bed." I huffed just at the pain in my nether regions subsided. "And besides, I haven't found your crib yet. Maybe instead of searching for ' _sexy super assassin's house'_ you could just give me your address."

She cocked her head to the side then crossed her arms. She cussed consecutively under her breath and I howled at that. "I love it when you talk dirty to me." She rolled her eyes. _"Do you mean it though?"_

I stepped forward and raised a brow she would not see, "Baby, I love a potty mouth more than anything in the world." She stepped towards me and puffed out her chest. "I swear, it's like you _want_ to get shot."

"As long as I get shot by you, sweet cheeks." I countered, reaching out to pull her by the waist. Instead, she caught my arm and flipped me around, proceeded then to crush me against the floor, as she put her weight on my back. Mmm, her butt feels nice and firm, the perfect kind to grab on. "I swear to god, if you get a boner I will cut it off."

I whined, "How are we gonna have kids then?"

She pushed my arm further back, causing a strain and another pained sound release from my lips. "Answer my question." she growled out.

 _"I did, I did, I did, shit,_ I do like it when you talk dirty to me and it's really hard to _not_ get a boner when you're exerting dominance like this."

She groaned in annoyance, _"Were you the one at my roof top?!"_

 _"Oh, oh, that! Shit_ no. I swear I may be annoying but I'm not a creep like that." With my admission, she then released me, immediately walking away without even saying goodbye. I died a little. I quickly composed myself and got to my feet. I ran up to her and spoke up, "So is that a no to getting your address then?"

She stopped in her tracks then raised a beautiful brow, "I'll give you my address if you take off your mask." I was dead silent for a long while and she smirked all throughout. "That's what I thought." When she proceeded to walk away and give me a better view of _dat ass,_ I huffed and called back, "It's a deal if you throw in your name as well."

She turned back to me with knit brows again and I swear my heart fluttered. She was so pretty when she was confused like that. "Deal?" I called out again. She nodded in disagreement, "you can't be serious."

"Alright, I'm not, but why do you want to see my face anyway?" I spoke a little nervous. "You wanna know what face you'll picture waking up to?" I added to cover my nerves over the subject. She shrugged, "I know people like you wouldn't want your identity to be revealed."

I threw my head back in laughter and clutched my stomach in full amusement, "The name's Wade Wilson, sweetie, and I live in room 403 in the crappy apartment in tenth, next to this bomb pizzeria. You should go there sometime, they have this amazing stuffed crust and cheesy pepperoni combo."

She knit her brows for a moment then faced me fully, "Then what's with the mask?"

I laughed nervously, "I just like to save my looks for when I get to know the girl I like better, just so I'm sure she's not gonna go out with me for my physique." She scoffed at that then walked off. "What a stupid excuse to not look your victims in the eye. You have no honor."

Well _shit,_ she's twice ans sexy now.


	2. Mask Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOOTTT SPELLPROOFED  
> THANKS FOR READING ANYWAY  
> ASHDHDJDJKSKS  
> xxx

"Wait. Okay. So you're telling me you're here because you wanted to thank me for my honesty by buying me pizza?"

"You said that twice now." she rolled her eyes impatiently. Well shit, if this is what happens when you tell the truth, I should do it more often.

"Let's get going then." I spoke, pushing out of the hellish hole that was my disorganized apartment. She however stopped me and placed a hand on my chest. "Uh... you're still in your suit."

I turned to her and crossed my arms, "What? What's wrong with my suit?"

She chuckled and nodded in disbelief, "Are we really having this conversation?"

What the holy hell do you mean _'are we having this conversation'?_ _You're_ talking, _I'm_ talking, _we're **having** a conversation._ "Babe, listen," I placed my palm agaisnt the wall and placed a hand on my hip, "I love this suit more than I love myself." Realization struck me and then I straightened myself up. "In fact, I love this suit more than anything in this world."

She raised a brow and nodded her head in disagreement, "Fine, keep your slimey suit on. Do not come anywhere near me in that." she dismissed, turned about and started heading for the stairs, taking a few steps down.

"Wait, did you want me to get anywhere near you _out_ of it?"

She whipped her head back at me and glared, "I have a gun, Wilson."

I giggled like a school girl, _"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!_ We're on a cute pet name-last name basis now?" She scoffed, mumbled under her breath, I think something about tying me up, which _damn_ , I am all for,  and started marching down the stairs. _Wooo shit,_ daisy dukes look hella amazing on those finely toned legs of her. Holy _shit_ she works out. _Shit, shit, shit._

**WADE.**

**LADY.**

NO _EVIL_ THOUGHTS.

BE. PROFESSIONAL.

"YO, WAIT UP!" I called after her, raising my hand and shuffling down the stairs. Once the city's cold winds came seeping through my suit, I shuddered and followed the sexy lady strutting to the sexy restaurant next to my crib. Holy hell she walked fast.

Running after her, she finally opened the glass door causing the familiar chime of bells to be heard. I caught the door before it closed, "Wait, what's your name again?"

She turned to me over her shoulder, then walked off to the counter. Cold shoulder , aye? Huh, she must be an alien with no name. _I knew it._  #TheAnswerAndBombLadiesWithTonedLegsThatLookGreatInDaisyDukesAreOutThere

"Welcome, what can I get you today?" Chuckie the pizza man spoke, turning from bad-ass femme assassin to me as I waved at him. He nodded in regard and told her about the five cheese special they had. I shivered in delight, "Oooh, get that one, get that one, _gETTHATONE!"_ She snapped her head back to glare at me, instantly shutting me up. She turned back to Chuckie, "We'll _have_ the special please." she smiled, making Chuckie nod. Yeah, _pizza_ Chuckie is _waaaayyy_ better than _psycho killer Chuckie,_ and that's coming from a psycho killer, dude.

"Let's get a booth, pizza Chuckie will serve us our meal." I stated skipping off to an available booth. Hot mama followed right after paying, nodding her head slightly in disagreement.

 

"So what's with the suit?"

As she sat down next to me, I placed my head on my hands and elbows on the table, "What do you mean _'what's with the suit'_. This is a bomb suit."

"Why won't you take it off?"

I smiled widely, "Babe, I usually wait until I know the girl better, but for you,--" I leaned in sharply, in turn making her whip out her gun like lightening. "I told you not to come near me." she spat out, making me gulp in arousal and nervousness, and lean back. "Can I... come _on_ you?"

She raised her brows and cocked her gun, "You wanna ask me that again?"

_Uh... I actually kinda do._

Rolling her eyes at my silence, I think because she knew what I was thinking, which was weird, but still hot, _and_ further proves my hypothesis on her being a damn alien, she put her gun away and asked again, "Why won't you take off your suit?

"I told you, I love this thing."

She gave a sour expression, "I love my suit too, but I also like getting grimey thick blood and disgusting sweat off my skin, and feeling sunshine and cool breezes."

I cooed at her poetic admission, "Aww, will you read me a bedtime story too?"

"Alright, here we are. The five cheese special and two bottles of beer." Chuckie suddenly appeared with our food, making me gasp. _Beer? Marry her, Wade!_ "Will there be anything else?"

"Nope," I popped the p, "We're all good. Thanks Chuckie, my man."

The smell of food stabbed my heart and I rubbed my hands in delight. _"Shiiit,_ let's dig in!" I called out. In this moment, she grabbed the cheesiest pizza slice and took a big bite, then moving it by my chin. "Take off your mask."

My brows raised, "I don't have to, sweetpea, I can just-" "Well, that's my condition, sweetpea," she mocked just after swallowing the food in her mouth, "Unless you take off your mask, you won't get to have any of this deliciousness." She then pulled the pizza away from me and took another bite. Damn, this sight made my mouth water.

"What's your deal?" I suddenly snapped. She bat her lashes at me and pouted innocently, "Whatever could the boy of the hour be talking about?"

"Gahhh, with the eyes, and your cute nose..." I groaned, "What's with you wanting to see what's underneath the mask?"

She turned to me and huffed, "Didn't I already call you out for having no honor? I'd like to keep mine by thanking you face to face."

I sighed, "Listen, I-" "I know about your skin problem."

I pulled back in mortification and felt as if she had actually just shot me. "The before and after photos were drastic to say the least," she added taking another bite of her food. I was speechless for the time being and she seemed to feel uncomfortable because of that. "Look, Wade, I don't give a _fuck_ about the way you look. I told you, I just want to thank you, and if it'll make you feel any better, you can take off your mask at your apartment where no one can see but me."

I groaned and nodded in disagreement, "Look, you may be smoking and all but--" then she just _had to_ go and place a hand on my thigh. _Shit, shit, shit, remember what she said she'd do if we get a boner._

 

"Geez, do you even know the word spring cleaning, or simply _cleaning?"_ she grimaced at all the wonderous, who was I kidding, _all the shitty garbage_ I hoarded around just because I'm too lazy to clean up after myself.

"Yeah, I just try to avoid hearing it and doing it as much as possible."

Seeing all my curtains were closed and everything else covered the windows, she stood with her arms crossed in expectation and I shuffled in my place, "Sooo, do I take it off _now_ or-" "Now please," she so did not request though her use of please.

Then I slowly, _painfully slowly,_ removed the mask off my face, along with my dignity and everything else that comes with it. I froze amidst the action and decided, you know, _fuck it,_ she was an assassin and if she couldn't take a sight like this she wasn't worthy of being called a badass.

Now, naked, well face naked, and it my raw-est form, I pursed my lips awkwardly, flaunting my skin. Once I caught sight if her, her expression made me confused; she had a soft smile on her lips then she proceeded to bow her head, "Wade Wilson, thank you for your honestly. Without you, I wouldn't have caught a psychotic serial killer that hung out my apartment for weeks, who also happens to rape the victims he stalks then butchers."

My brows quirked up, "Wow, really? _Shit._  Damn weirdo. Uh... you're welcome."

"I also got a cool 5 bil for my bounty, which also explains my generosity." she chuckled, making me do the same. "Huh, well, I guess maybe I should the whole truth thing more often."

With that, she broke into laughter making me involuntarily put my mask on. _Shit,_ now she was laughing at me. Catching sight of my actions, she raised her hands up, "No, no, I just... you seem so different, so vulnerable without your mask to protect you."

I pursed my lips and sassed, "It won't hurt any less if I kill you naked, honey."

"Well, I guess it's my turn." I knit my brows at that, "Your turn, why would it--wait, what are you-why are--Holy _FUCKING_ \-- Oh... what is that?"

She laughed just as she raised her shirt and revealed a deep horizontal cut on the right side of her stomach that had mangled burn marks atop it. "It's my sort of brand. It took so long for this to heal. There were people who kidnapped me and cut me on the side with a damn katana. Then there were these ninja masters who had a sword fight to the death with them and saved me by cauterizing the wound. They became my family and made me like this." She shrugged, making me nod and place my hand on my hips. "Huh, an epic ninja background. Meh, I liked my alien version better."

She chuckled at that. "You shouldn't let scars have this effect on you. I mean, I know yours is on much a larger scale but don't let anyone rule you over it. Your scars are a reminder that you were stronger than what tried to hurt you."

"Woah, lay down the ninja wisdom on me, sensei." She nodded her head in disapproval. She then moved forward until she came close enough to place a hand on my shoulder. Her fingers traveled to my nape and soon she removed my mask. _"Ta da."_ I muttered lowly making her smile the way she ever so cutely did. What she did next came as a surprise to me, she connected her lips with mine and cupped my face.

I reached out and slid my hand underneath her shirt on her bare back and in turn, she pushed me snd knit her brows. "Just because I kissed you does not mean we're having sex." My jaw dropped and I began to stutter. Then she rolled her eyes and laughed, "I actually _really_ wait until I get to know the guy better."

I sighed, "Well, I guess I can work with that."

"You wanna finish that pizza now?"

"Dear goodness yes, thank the universe for take out."


End file.
